RSMRonda (rsmronda) wrote,

Trying to recover for Monday liftoff

I feel like I've truly failed.  I feel like I've failed myself and anyone that has ever cared for me.  I even failed my education.  I can't describe how much it hurts me.

Now, I'm looking into food stamps, shelters, and whatever else I can possibly get.  Almost everything I'm not eligible for, because I haven't had a proper tax paying job.  I don't have a cent to my name and I don't know what to do that'll get me a job.  Not only am I looking for graphic design related jobs, but nearly anything that doesn't really *require* experience or skill to to apply for.  Of the jobs I have applied to, I haven't gotten a call or an e-mail... just nothing.  I haven't applied for many.  They just aren't out there.  Everyone seems to want employees with years of experience in graphic design land.

My mom and I fought once again this week.  My mom doesn't want me in her house and I don't want to be in her house.  She wants to move her boyfriend (also jobless with no money also) in and push me out.  In other words, he gets my place, because he can fix things in the house.  Makes me feel useless.  Even though I'm doing more around the house than I ever have.  So much that it distracted me from job hunting at times.  I haven't even finished my website that was supposed to be done ages ago.  I do the housework and other projects to contribute, because my mom is helping me survive with a roof over my head and other perks.  Yeah, at this point, a roof over my head is a perk.

An argument last night couldn't have come at a worse time.  This week has been shit for me.  I was so down from the last argument earlier this week with my mom that I got physically ill for days.  Friday, I managed to pick myself up and feel a bit better.  I was trying to put myself back together and go full force this Monday coming up to send my work and resume to everywhere in town and Orlando, even if they aren't hiring.  Hoping to stumble on a job somehow.  But the argument last night really fucked me up and I know it'll be a while until I can recover.  I'm back to feeling physically ill, drained, and more hopeless.  I can't seem to get it through my mom's head that what she says to me, makes things worse, helps me NOT get things done.  Instead of doing the opposite.  She cracked me last night and I hope she finally realizes what she does to me... what living with her does to me.

I try so hard to keep myself up to not let that depression stage ever come back.  But to be honest, I was definitely fell into it this week.  I couldn't function.  What happened yesterday had me in a crying fit almost worse than I've ever had.  I was having a very difficult time even breathing.  I really don't want to be that person again.  Not ever again.  So here I am trying to lift myself up from a severe blow.  Part of me is starting to thing things like this again, "Maybe my mom would really be better off with me dead."  Funny, because I look back and I'm angry, because I should have been enjoying life when I had less real life worries.  Instead I was depressed and miserable.  What was my problem back then??  I should be going through that depression now, because it's actually warranted!  At least back then I was productive in college and didn't have to worry so much about debt, being jobless... truly being worthless, which is what I am now.

I spent most of today sleeping on and off.  It took hours to get to sleep.  Too many things in my head, my body hurts too much.  Pain meds aren't working at all.  I think I've taken more meds the past few weeks then I've done in the previous 3 years combined.  I've always been anti-meds.  But I think I've reached a level of desperation and I just don't give a fuck.

Sorry to mom, because I don't want to share the same space with an alcoholic loser who once threatened to kill me... and is no better than me.  I want to be around better.
Tags: downs, family drama

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