Log in

No account? Create an account
RSMRonda [userpic]

Trying to recover for Monday liftoff

September 5th, 2009 (09:46 pm)

current location: My room
current mood: sick

I feel like I've truly failed.  I feel like I've failed myself and anyone that has ever cared for me.  I even failed my education.  I can't describe how much it hurts me.

Now, I'm looking into food stamps, shelters, and whatever else I can possibly get.  Almost everything I'm not eligible for, because I haven't had a proper tax paying job.  I don't have a cent to my name and I don't know what to do that'll get me a job.  Not only am I looking for graphic design related jobs, but nearly anything that doesn't really *require* experience or skill to to apply for.  Of the jobs I have applied to, I haven't gotten a call or an e-mail... just nothing.  I haven't applied for many.  They just aren't out there.  Everyone seems to want employees with years of experience in graphic design land.

My mom and I fought once again this week.  My mom doesn't want me in her house and I don't want to be in her house.  She wants to move her boyfriend (also jobless with no money also) in and push me out.  In other words, he gets my place, because he can fix things in the house.  Makes me feel useless.  Even though I'm doing more around the house than I ever have.  So much that it distracted me from job hunting at times.  I haven't even finished my website that was supposed to be done ages ago.  I do the housework and other projects to contribute, because my mom is helping me survive with a roof over my head and other perks.  Yeah, at this point, a roof over my head is a perk.

An argument last night couldn't have come at a worse time.  This week has been shit for me.  I was so down from the last argument earlier this week with my mom that I got physically ill for days.  Friday, I managed to pick myself up and feel a bit better.  I was trying to put myself back together and go full force this Monday coming up to send my work and resume to everywhere in town and Orlando, even if they aren't hiring.  Hoping to stumble on a job somehow.  But the argument last night really fucked me up and I know it'll be a while until I can recover.  I'm back to feeling physically ill, drained, and more hopeless.  I can't seem to get it through my mom's head that what she says to me, makes things worse, helps me NOT get things done.  Instead of doing the opposite.  She cracked me last night and I hope she finally realizes what she does to me... what living with her does to me.

I try so hard to keep myself up to not let that depression stage ever come back.  But to be honest, I was definitely fell into it this week.  I couldn't function.  What happened yesterday had me in a crying fit almost worse than I've ever had.  I was having a very difficult time even breathing.  I really don't want to be that person again.  Not ever again.  So here I am trying to lift myself up from a severe blow.  Part of me is starting to thing things like this again, "Maybe my mom would really be better off with me dead."  Funny, because I look back and I'm angry, because I should have been enjoying life when I had less real life worries.  Instead I was depressed and miserable.  What was my problem back then??  I should be going through that depression now, because it's actually warranted!  At least back then I was productive in college and didn't have to worry so much about debt, being jobless... truly being worthless, which is what I am now.

I spent most of today sleeping on and off.  It took hours to get to sleep.  Too many things in my head, my body hurts too much.  Pain meds aren't working at all.  I think I've taken more meds the past few weeks then I've done in the previous 3 years combined.  I've always been anti-meds.  But I think I've reached a level of desperation and I just don't give a fuck.

Sorry to mom, because I don't want to share the same space with an alcoholic loser who once threatened to kill me... and is no better than me.  I want to be around better.


Posted by: Becca (aka_katya)
Posted at: September 6th, 2009 02:49 am (UTC)
[A2A] gene; carries young alex


I know exactly how you feel. I spent a year in LA accumulating massive amounts of debt before finally getting a job - and it was blind luck that finally I even got it in the first place. And now I'm unemployed and once again in a desperate search for work (although this time I at least have some money saved up and I qualify for unemployment) But still that feeling of being utterly useless, I hate it almost more then the lack of income.

You'll get through it though. You have so much talent - It's really just a matter of timing and a little luck :)

*sends all the extra luck I have*


Posted by: RSMRonda (rsmronda)
Posted at: September 7th, 2009 05:54 am (UTC)

Many hugs to you too!!

If someone with your talents, experience, and overall awesomeness can't get a job, I may end up in a looney bin. I really hope you can land a job before your resources run out.

Sigh. I REALLY hate money.

Posted by: The great work begins... (ceilidh_ann)
Posted at: September 6th, 2009 11:43 am (UTC)
QI Stephen

*hugs* Hun, I'm sorry everything's so crap for you. I wish I could help, I'd totally let you live with me but I don't think plane tickets are cheap. I wish you nothing but the best luck because you're clearly very good at what you do and deserve to share that with the world - for a fee of course! *more hugs and luck*

Posted by: RSMRonda (rsmronda)
Posted at: September 7th, 2009 06:01 am (UTC)

Your Stephen Fry icon makes me smile.

Not everything is crap. I still have my friends :) So far. I wouldn't blame them if they left me behind. And my mom hasn't literally kicked me out... yet. She just makes my every breath in her house a huge guilt trip.

I'm apparently not good enough at what I do, which is what I've always feared was true.

Ha, my mom had been joking that she's going to send me to England, because I could become a citizen and at least get more benefits there then here in America. Pretty pathetic! I'm so worried about getting stuck in my situation with no way of getting out. If I get stuck, everything I've done up to this point has been a complete waste.

*big hugs back*

Posted by: The great work begins... (ceilidh_ann)
Posted at: September 7th, 2009 12:25 pm (UTC)
Mark Gatiss

There's only one thing for it - me, you, civil partnership, benefits! It's s oeasy to get benefits here, it's kind of pathetic.

Posted by: RSMRonda (rsmronda)
Posted at: September 7th, 2009 11:01 pm (UTC)

Hahah! All of a sudden, Scotland just became all the more appealing. Was that a proposal or would you rather still have me get down on one knee? I'll have to find a ring :o

Posted by: The great work begins... (ceilidh_ann)
Posted at: September 7th, 2009 11:03 pm (UTC)

Just bring cake for the reception and don't have very high expectations. :P

Posted by: verydistortney.blogspot.com (ext_206247)
Posted at: September 6th, 2009 09:58 pm (UTC)
Love you Ronda!

Ronda - my prayers and thoughts are with you. You are not worthless. You're a beautiful girl with plenty of talent to share. Please don't let the present time bury you. Instead, bury it. I'm sending an angel your way. xxoo Terri

Posted by: RSMRonda (rsmronda)
Posted at: September 7th, 2009 06:06 am (UTC)
Re: Love you Ronda!

I hope the Angel can bring a job for me. Maybe the Angel needs someone to clean its wings, wash its robe, make its coffee... be its pet. I'm willing to wear a leash and crawl on all fours.

Thank you, Terri. Love you too, as always.

Seems I'm back to being the pathetic person you met on TSR :(

9 Read Comments