RSMRonda (rsmronda) wrote,

I want kids

I'm hoping this feeling is just a phase... those maternal instincts just kicking in.  As far back as I can remember, I've always said I'd never have kids of my own.  For a long time when I was younger, I didn't even like kids, except for certain ones that seemed to be beyond their years.  Those ones were interesting people.  Kids, on the other hand, have always loved me.  In high school I did the whole mentoring thing and enjoyed that.  My friends' younger siblings used me as the human jungle gym or a model for hair styling.  People have told me it's probably because I don't talk down to kids.

In college I've been missing little kids.  I don't get to hang out and play with them anymore.  I just see them on campus and around town with their parents.  Every now and then little kids on a field trip come to see Flagler College and they go "Ooo, ahhh!"  The Deaf and Blind school has their kids Trick or Treat at our dorms too.  I know how to say Happy Halloween in sign language now, BTW, LOL. 

I see or think about these kids now and I just melt.  I've been catching myself saying "I want kids" in my head for months now.  I have fantasies of being married and having kids.  At first I just ignored all of it, because I know it's purely a selfish thought.  I think there should be more than just selfishness driving me to have kids.  I mean, we're talking about another human being.  I know how much I've screwed up my own life.  It's going to take forever to fix all of what I can about my own life.  I don't want to screw up a child's life.  I'd never forgive myself.  Even if I had a perfect married life right now and the timing was right, I wouldn't let myself have a kid.  I think I'd be a horrible mother.  And I'm afraid of passing on lousy genetics.  What if the depression, anxiety, and other problems I have are genetic?  I don't ever want to make another human being go through what I did. 

I wonder why I even ponder any of this.  I may never have the opportunity to have a family.  In a little more than two months I'll be 25 and still alone, always single.  If I do end up with anyone, will the person be male?  What if the person is female?  If I am with a woman and want to adopt, we'd have to live somewhere that allowed "gay adoption".  Will my partner wants kids?  For the longest time, I've always said I'd end the relationship if the other person wanted kids.  That I'd want that person to find someone else that would fulfill their dream of having kids.  Could I justify making kids?  I'd love to be pregnant and have a baby or have a pregnant female partner.  But there are so many kids out there already that need parents.  If anything I know this... I would have to be financially able to provide everything necessary for this human being or human beings; otherwise, I will not have kids.  If I end up with a partner that already has kids, I think I could step up to the role of parent.  I'd just be worried whether the kids liked me or not.  I don't think I could stay in a relationship where the kids didn't, because life is hard enough for them already without me invading their lives.

And with all of this, I'm still considering having surgery to prevent pregnancy from happening, if I ever have a male partner.  I'm also considering teaching... maybe teaching art to little kids.  That's another thing I said I'd never do... teach, because I doubt I'd be any good at it and I have the highest respect for the teaching profession.

I just don't know.  I wish I didn't think about it at all.  It's unpleasant, to say the least.  It's just another thing that gets me down.

My friends have always begged to differ.  They say I'm going to get married and have tons of kids.  To which I have always rolled my eyes and said, no, LOL.  I will say though that sometimes it was nice to have a trusted friend say I should have kids... that I'd be a good mother.
Tags: random shit

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