devious eyes

Sorry for no update

I've neglected my poor journal for too long. 

I'M NOW AN EMPLOYED GRAPHIC DESIGNER!!  Woooooooooooooooo!  This week was my first week :)

Hopefully this weekend I'll add a proper entry with more details.
flagler college

Flagler College Graphic Design Portfolio 2009

It's on YouTube, LOL!  It's the video that was made of our graduating class that was shown at our Porfolio Show back in April when we all graduated with are fabulous graphic design degrees. 
I really can't stand seeing myself in video, but the video is awesome none the less.  And it freakin' cracks me up!!  The day that was filmed was the longest class ever on a non-class day.  Sometimes you have to work overtime being a designer ;) And it ended up being the most fun class ever.


Torchwood and Doctor Who

Can't sleep again.  I wrote this in the wee hours yesterday morning:

I've been trying to sleep since 11 Saturday night.  It's 3:30.  I give up.  So I'm typing up something fun.  And watching Doctor Who episodes.

This is possibly my favorite funny part of Doctor Who ever...

Watching DW is fitting right now, because I want to say what a big fan I've become of Doctor Who.  Mostly because of my Torchwood fandom.  I've seen DW episodes here and there over the years since the new series started airing in 2005.  This year while still at college I had BBC America for the first time in years and I got to see part of season 4.  I was so busy that my BBC America was gone before I managed to watch much :(  I've been meaning to look out for Doctor Who since I left college.  It's just that I used to think it was way too cheesy.  Now that I've seen all of it, I can say some episodes are too cheesy and childish, but overall the show is brilliant.  And I love David Tennett as The Doctor.  He's unique for an actor in a hit series... well, compared to American shows.  But now I have to talk about my FAVORITE part, the spin off series!

I freakin' LOVE Torchwood. 

One of my favorite parts of one of my favorite episodes, because there is humor, action, mystery, romance, and wild sexual tension...

I never thought a ass kicking bar fight could be so sexy... well, sexy at all really.

I actually watched all three seasons before I went off to look for all of the new Doctor Who.  If you don't know, Torchwood is a post watershed show.  Meaning it's a show played in the late hours on BBC where pretty much anything goes.  My kinda show, LOL.  And well, they have no problem with homosexual content, unlike American society, so lots of same-sex make out scenes, some sex.  HOT!  I came across the third season on Comcast's BBC America On Demand and said what the heck when I was bored.  Yeah, we don't have BBC America but we get some of their On Demand stuff.  Awesome for me!  I had heard of Torchwood before.  I had seen John Barrowman's documentary "The Making of Me" (searching for an answer to why he is gay) earlier this summer on BBC America On Demand.  I was intrigued.  He plays the main character on Torchwood.  Season 3 happened to be really short.  It's a 5 part mini series.  Short but fucking EPIC.  I fell in love.  And I about fell over when I realized Captain Jack Harkness and Ianto Jones were in a relationship and it was represented so romantically and treated as a completely normal thing.  I've only seen opposite-sex relationships treated that way on TV.  I could go on and on about why I love Torchwood.  I'm a Science Fiction geek, the show is different, full of action, very sexual, and so funny at times.  And a lot of the humor is related to the sexuality of the main character, who openly goes for men, women, and aliens.  According to Doctor Who, swinging in any direction is considered normal and it is prevalent in the future.  The main character Captain Jack Harkness was born in the 51st century and ended up stranded in 1896, living all the way to the current day in the 21st century. 

I think I need to leave my gushing over Captain Jack Harkness and John Barrowman to other journal entries or this journal could go on forever!

Gah, I so love Captain Jack Harkness.  I've never been so obsessed with a TV character before.  It's well, weird.
Shep color explosion

Trying to recover for Monday liftoff

I feel like I've truly failed.  I feel like I've failed myself and anyone that has ever cared for me.  I even failed my education.  I can't describe how much it hurts me.

Now, I'm looking into food stamps, shelters, and whatever else I can possibly get.  Almost everything I'm not eligible for, because I haven't had a proper tax paying job.  I don't have a cent to my name and I don't know what to do that'll get me a job.  Not only am I looking for graphic design related jobs, but nearly anything that doesn't really *require* experience or skill to to apply for.  Of the jobs I have applied to, I haven't gotten a call or an e-mail... just nothing.  I haven't applied for many.  They just aren't out there.  Everyone seems to want employees with years of experience in graphic design land.

My mom and I fought once again this week.  My mom doesn't want me in her house and I don't want to be in her house.  She wants to move her boyfriend (also jobless with no money also) in and push me out.  In other words, he gets my place, because he can fix things in the house.  Makes me feel useless.  Even though I'm doing more around the house than I ever have.  So much that it distracted me from job hunting at times.  I haven't even finished my website that was supposed to be done ages ago.  I do the housework and other projects to contribute, because my mom is helping me survive with a roof over my head and other perks.  Yeah, at this point, a roof over my head is a perk.

An argument last night couldn't have come at a worse time.  This week has been shit for me.  I was so down from the last argument earlier this week with my mom that I got physically ill for days.  Friday, I managed to pick myself up and feel a bit better.  I was trying to put myself back together and go full force this Monday coming up to send my work and resume to everywhere in town and Orlando, even if they aren't hiring.  Hoping to stumble on a job somehow.  But the argument last night really fucked me up and I know it'll be a while until I can recover.  I'm back to feeling physically ill, drained, and more hopeless.  I can't seem to get it through my mom's head that what she says to me, makes things worse, helps me NOT get things done.  Instead of doing the opposite.  She cracked me last night and I hope she finally realizes what she does to me... what living with her does to me.

I try so hard to keep myself up to not let that depression stage ever come back.  But to be honest, I was definitely fell into it this week.  I couldn't function.  What happened yesterday had me in a crying fit almost worse than I've ever had.  I was having a very difficult time even breathing.  I really don't want to be that person again.  Not ever again.  So here I am trying to lift myself up from a severe blow.  Part of me is starting to thing things like this again, "Maybe my mom would really be better off with me dead."  Funny, because I look back and I'm angry, because I should have been enjoying life when I had less real life worries.  Instead I was depressed and miserable.  What was my problem back then??  I should be going through that depression now, because it's actually warranted!  At least back then I was productive in college and didn't have to worry so much about debt, being jobless... truly being worthless, which is what I am now.

I spent most of today sleeping on and off.  It took hours to get to sleep.  Too many things in my head, my body hurts too much.  Pain meds aren't working at all.  I think I've taken more meds the past few weeks then I've done in the previous 3 years combined.  I've always been anti-meds.  But I think I've reached a level of desperation and I just don't give a fuck.

Sorry to mom, because I don't want to share the same space with an alcoholic loser who once threatened to kill me... and is no better than me.  I want to be around better.
green, shep, yellow

WTF, Glenn Beck? WTF?

WTF?  Seriously, WTF? 

Um, Mr. Beck.... I think you're also missing a "C".  With or without a "C" and "Y" that was cheap and pretty much meaningless.  I'm seriously almost embarrassed to say I was ever a fan.

What the hell has happened to Glenn Beck??

I think my Glenn Beck fandom has jumped off a cliff

It's been staggering its way to the edge for a while now, because he's been getting worse and worse.  I'm actually hoping he really isn't losing his mind... but I've been starting to wonder and kinda worry about his sanity.  Is it ANY wonder why he is losing his sponsors by the boatload?

He seems to have lost it or sold out to the crazy Obama haters and conspiracy obsessed people.  Sure, he didn't like Bush towards the end.  I felt the same.  I'm open minded to "conspiracy theories".  Yeah, I'm not fan of Obama either.  But the racist comments went too far and they were contradictory.  And what is this crap about America having the best healthcare?  Um, I remember watching him before and saying it sucked.   I saw that clip on The Daily Show again the other day and I was like, "Hey!!  I remember this!!"  It's kind of pathetic that it took a comedy show to catch Beck's contradictions. 

There's one thing I'd like to know.  I wish I understood his intentions.  I used to believe him when he said he was talking from the heart and being real about what's going on around us.  I don't know if he's so biased that he can no longer see past all of the BS or he's intentionally steering his show, because he has gained fans and a following by going extreme.  Either way, he let me down.

It's kinda sad.  I had high hopes for Glenn Beck and what he could do at FOX News Channel.  I used to watch him on CNN Headline News and I thought it was a bummer that he was on this channel where he wasn't getting as much attention as he would at FNC.  I'm a FOX News Channel fan.  I was very excited for the move.  Lately, I find myself less and less able to watch him.

And another thing.  I really hope that people don't judge libertarianism by him.  He's acting crazy now like so many people think libertarianism is.  Really crazy, not just open-minded like how I used to see him.  Hopefully, he'll just instigate damage of the two major parties that deserve a kick in their lying, manipulative, hateful, hypocritical nuts.  Well, I hope people see him more as a Conservative, than a Libertarian.

Can't say I didn't see this coming.  I've been getting this bad feeling about his show for a while.  I'll probably still watch bits of it, because he's not all bad.  It's not like everything I admired is gone... I hope.  And hey, I'd be lying if certain aspects of his insane behavior weren't indeed entertaining in a twisted way.  Maybe I'm just an idiot for giving some comedian/commentator any of my hope and trust in the first place though. 

There doesn't seem to be much news and news-related sources to trust out there.  I trust Shepard Smith the most.  Even Shep has had his moments that have made me question his integrity, but no one is perfect.  I have no problem with a newsman sharing an opinion if he can also state the facts without bias, so the viewer can come on with their own opinions also.  That's what Shep seems to do most of the time, from what I can tell.  Aside from him, I check out other news sources here and there.  I wish there more unbiased news sources worthy of trusting with factual information, and less of these commentators like Glenn Beck.  Everything is right or left.  I can't even watch much of FNC anymore.

So that's off my chest. 

Next entry, I'm going to talk about Captain Jack Harkness <3 <3 <3, Torchwood, Doctor Who, Robbie freakin' Williams' comeback!!!...  awesome, less-meaningful-than-news-and-politics entertainment.

PS.  Check out the comments on that YouTube video page.  H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S.  Especially the one about the "C" must have been for commercials comment.


WIP Captain Jack digital painting

Started a little something yesterday.  I was supposed to be doing yard work all day.  But a hornet stung my index finger in the middle of pulling up a load of weeds and it hurt like HELL.  But I could draw with the Wacom pen, whew, since I didn't need my index finger for that.  It was all swollen, but it's all good now.  Can't even tell anything stung me.  It's good to know I'm not allergic!  My mom is, so it was kinda freaky at first waiting to see if anything was going to happen to me.

Anywho.  Here's a screenshot of the painting...

Painting on the right of Captain Jack Harkness (from BBC show Torchwood). Reference on the bottom left. And I was watching Doctor Who on the top left.


Made with...
Photoshop CS4

Last week with friends

Last week was brilliant.  I got to see my friend Becca for the first time in years on Thursday.  She's been living on the opposite side of the U.S. and she came back for a vacation in Florida.  She's on LiveJournal.  I love my Becca! :D  I just wish we could spend much more time together.  She's a great friend.  She's a friend from high school that has kept in contact with me the most ever since.  I'm so glad she kept me as a friend.  If she reads this, I just want to extend another big thank you for having me over :)  You are so awesome!  And I so envy your skills.  Becca showed me a load of work she did with the special effects company she was working at.

And then this past weekend I got to have Stacy and Amanda over.  I'm thrilled it all actually happened the way it did.  It's hard to get together with people these days.  Ah, adulthood and moneylessness all around... even worse, I can't drive.  The original plan was for me and Amanda to get together Friday.  I figured Stacy was still busy.   But it got pushed back to Saturday and I managed to get both of them over.  I've been wanting to have a BBQ for friends, because that's one thing I can actually do, LOL.  Other cooking, not so much.  Anyway, I hadn't seen Amanda in ages, it felt.  It had been even longer since all three of us got together. 

I managed to finish all of the work in the backyard (mow, edge, weed eat, etc) Saturday morning into the afternoon, then get the BBQ going, finish the food at 6 on time, mix frozen strawberry daiquiris.  My friends showed up about an hour before the food was ready.  I was exhausted by the time we ate.  And I was also drunk.  Stacy's sister joined us later also and ended up falling asleep on the couch, LOL.  We all just hanged out talking and laughing our butts off.  It was awesome.  I think Stacy left around midnight with her sister.  Amanda ended up staying overnight, because she was too tired to drive all the way back home.  It's about 30-40 minutes away.

The next day we woke up and Amanda had a major craving for Panera.  We have one at the St. Johns Town Center, which is perfect for walking around, so guess what we did.  Amanda is waaaaay too kind to me.  She bought me lunch and a Frappuccino.  Gah, I'm such a moocher.  I owe her so much.  She knows I'll get her back when I have money.  We used to take turns buying stuff for each other back in college.  I really miss buying stuff for my friends.  Anyway, not only did we enjoy walking around and consuming tasty things, but I got to meet her super nice friend Beka (I think I spelled it right, hmm) who now lives in Jax.

I can't tell you how much I needed to see my friends.  They immediately make me feel amazing.  Amanda, Stacy, and Becca are some of the best people this planet has to offer.  I'm very lucky.

Only issue was my mom.  At first, it was great.  She helped make these things happen.  I didn't think these things were going to happen, because I have no way of making some situations happen without her help right now.  But now she's using it as ammunition against me in arguments.  So no more help from her.  I'm done with believing her help is a positive thing at all.  She killed the end of an amazing week.  It's a good thing I don't let shit like that ruin the good things that already have happened.  I can still look back and feel amazing.  Funny thing, is the argument wasn't about me.  Yet, she used me as a scape goat, once again, and I got the brunt of everything.  And she continued the argument today.  My throat hurts and my head is mush, as a result.  Here's hoping tomorrow is more sane.  I have to find my happy place and get back to work looking for jobs that aren't there, working around house, etc.  I did those things today, but on a smaller scale.  I need to get more done.

Pure Love digital painting

I needed something to get me back in the swing painting, so I went looking for contests on deviantART and I found one about "girl love".  The contest's goal was to collect art depicting love between women that wasn't sleazy or just to get the attention of horny men (or horny women like me, LOL).  I didn't finish in time for the contest, but it's no big deal.  It was more of a piece for me anyway.  It's my first same-sex love art published in public (on the internet in this case) for all to see.  I have drawn same-sex love pictures before, as far back as high school, but I'm the only who has seen those.  I call this new piece my sort of a... liberation piece.  Because now I'm 100% out as bisexual and I feel comfortable enough to put artwork like this out for all to see :)

Pure Love

Close up of part of it...

Made using Photoshop and my Wacom tablet.

Shep color explosion

I want my Mac :( But hello, Orlando! And sleepovers rock.

I haven't been able to use my Mac since Saturday.  You see, I have an awesome PowerBook, but certain parts are getting old now.  It's over three years old now.  I've been expecting certain things to kick the bucket.  I've already replaced the battery.  I replaced the extra GIG of RAM that went wacko on me and totally messed up my computer shortly after I got it.  You know, RAM makes it faster... doesn't add space.  I got a 500 GIG external hard drive to add space. 

Well, anyway.  I was all giddy Saturday evening, because I found out that my brother had an s-video cable.  I was like, "Oh my god, I so need to hook my computer up to the TV and play around seeing my graphics all huge".  I invited my mom to come over and watch a clip I had on my computer through the TV.  Holy shizzle, this is so cool, yadda yadda.  Battery was getting low, so I ran to get my power adapter.  I plugged it into the laptop, plugged it into the surge protector and... crackle, pop, sizzle, spark, spark, spark goes my power adapter.  I quickly unplug it.  I have a freak out fest.  FUCK!  FUCK!  GOD DAMMIT!  I'M FUCKED!  I'M SO FUCKED!  Run to grab electrical tape.  SHIT!  SHIT!  I'M FUCKED!  Tape that bitch right up.  Cross my fingers while plugging it back in... and I get nothing.  The sparking was the wire burned through far too much to be taped up.  By now my laptop is down to 2% battery power left, so I frantically quit all of the applications and shut it down for a long sleep.

I spent two days looking for a power adapter before I found a good cheap one.  Used of course.  It's on its way from Cali.  Hopefully, it won't take too long.  I can't afford anything right now, but without my computer... I have nothing I can work on that has the applications I need for my designing.  So I have another $23 added to my debt.  Sigh.

I do have some fun to look forward to as long as everything goes as planned.  I'm supposed to be going to O-Town (Orlando, Florida) on Friday and staying overnight in a hotel.  Yay!  My best friend is taking her younger sister to a concert.  Their mother didn't feel like going, so they asked me to go.  Stacy has looked up what free fun we can have there, since we are both broke.  I haven't been to O-Town since '02.  I may be moving there if I find a job there.  My other best friend wants to move there and we have mutual college friends already living there.  Almost like old times!  Those three people were the ones I had the best semester with.  I did live in O-Town for a short time too, but that was about 15 years ago.  I can't wait to see Orlando again and spend time with my friend... not that we don't see each other every week, LOL.  Often multiple times a week.  It's good to have close friends close by.  Makes me a much happier person. 

Oh, speaking of friends.  I never got to journal about staying with my other awesome best friend.  That was fun.  It was the first time I've met her family, which is really big.  First, we hanged out with her friend Megan.  Drank some of Megan's Barcardi with Sprite.  Yeah, I like the Megan, LOL.  We ended up watching a movie.  Or more like talking over a movie.  She eventually had to leave because she had to get up earlier.  I met my best friend's family.  My friend invited me to sleepover.  We snacked on cereal and talked to the siblings.  Then we watched Zoolander.  That was funnier than I expected.  And of course we talked for ages before we actually went to sleep.  Next day, her family invited me out with them to a hot wings restaurant, where I had this amazing chicken sandwich.  And then we watched another movie called Waiting.  I want that movie.  That was so funny!  I definitely didn't want to, but eventually, I had to go home.  I really do have the best friends ever.

Job, where art thou?

I've been so busy at home doing stuff for my mom.  I really wish I could be crazy busy with design instead and going home to my own place.

I know everything will be awesome eventually.

In other news, my mom is planning a move to New Mexico.  That'll be different... and so far away.